The truth in one free afternoon

On a bright, improbably sunny day in Madison, Wisconsin, I left with Natalie and Colin to go to the airport. I was picking up a guy I didn't know, had never met before; but I was nervous. On the ride over I tried to calm myself with niceties like "You've never met him before, why should you give a shit about him?" and the strangely unhelpful "Just be yourself."

When he was safe and sound in Natalie's Bug I still felt out of sorts, knowing all the while how ridiculous it was to feel so nervous around a stranger. I thought about how little I was talking, why I wasn't talking, and was it a big deal that I wasn't talking? We travelled down highways until we were dropped at State Street to smell the sweet fresh air and feel the pavement under our soles. The leopard print pants held flirtation while my harem pants created compliments. Suddenly the pavement was before us and we had slipped easily, conversing about Sofia Coppola and m-o-v-i-e-s. We were talking. I had switched off the stranglehold my mind was held in and my tongue felt loose, we were swimming it was so easy. I noticed you stood next to me at the drum circle. I wondered if your questions were from a place of politeness; I hoped they weren't.

We stood, together, reading a book on fashion when it was collectively ~felt~. Funny how those things work. I spouted off facts on Commes des Garcons and Prada that held interest to me but had never before seen the light of day as you listened. We gave and took. You talked and I listened. We joked, back and forth, comfortable and nervous. My stomach hurt. I liked you.

The rest of the week was fantastic, full of wonderful feelings I hadn't felt since the seventh grade. I smirked even though I couldn't help but get swept away by it all- it was so cheesy, so cute, so 80's movie perfect. I was followed by a pervasive thought throughout, that this was the first time I had felt this way, that this was all new. Was it? Of course it was.

Doing it.

Yes, this post is actually about sex and is not titled thusly as some subtle Sex and the City reference.

I have a problem that I think needs addressing, and it concerns sex.

Specifically, sex as a qualifier for any relationship that has lasted for a certain amount of time.

People my age seem to believe that two people who date for a certain (extensive) amount of time NEED to have sex. They feel very strongly about this (as is seen by my use of caps lock and the word "need" and not something floatier like the word "should"). And it bothers me, okay?

Just because two people have been dating for over a year doesn't mean they need to have sex. Yes, I understand you are only in high school and since you're a mildly privileged white suburbanite you feel as though you have little to talk about and so when two people have sex it gives you a little something extra to talk about. Yes, I understand that gossip is like crack to (most) teenage girls. Yes, I am a little angry right now and it's causing my tone to be slightly snippy (get-off-my-back-okay),

But, honestly? (Let me break this down for you.) Sex is not the end-all be-all of a relationship. Sex doesn't have to be some culminating exercise, like a final exam (albeit, I've heard it's more enjoyable.) Losing your virginity isn't some make-it-or-break it deal, like the media makes it out to be, either. Essentially, what two people do together is none of your business! As long as they're happy and communicating, you shouldn't care about what they do. Additionally, sex is not everything in a relationship! People can have a perfectly happy and healthy relationship and still not be ready to have sex.

So, (concluding note.) Please, please please PLEASE do not go along with the crowd, or maybe just that one loud and overly opinionated girl, and agree that two people should have sex if they've been dating for a long time. PLEASE formulate your own opinion on the matter. Mine is that two people should have sex when they're ready. And have a fuckin' awesome time doing it.

I Overdid It. Did I?

The author would like to apologize in advance for her use of italics, caps lock, and punctuation that lends this blog entry to sound like an article from Seventeen Magazine.

Ouch. It's happened to all of us: feeling a little bold with your crush one night, you send an overzealous text and get no reply. Your heart drops into your stomach and starts thumping wildly, your palms get a little sweaty (okay, maybe that's just me) and you panic. Cue the chirping crickets and awkward turtles.

A million thoughts, seemingly all punctuated by exclamation points, race through your head-

WHY hasn't he texted me back!

WHY THE EFF did I send that text!!

and the big kahuna-

DOES HE STILL LIKE ME!!!

After a minute that feels like an hour you begin to calm yourself down. Maybe he went out to walk his dog. Maybe he's working really hard on a history project. Maybe he got in a car accident. OMFG WHAT IF HE GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENT??

Granted, not everyone passes through the 9 stages of text grief (some have been known to make the car accident assumption straightaway). But for those who do, there is hope: you are not crazy! You are merely a teenage girl (or boy, no judgement) struggling with the limitless opportunities technology presents for communication.

Remember AIM? Remember logging on at exactly 5 o'clock so you could chat with your ~crush~? Love was so much easier then. Nowadays we've got to grapple with texting etiquette that has a whole new set of rules. And I have no idea what they are! If I did, I would not be writing this blog post. I would be enjoying some quality texting. Which brings me to my next topic~

GAMES PEOPLE PLAY (yes, I do know this is the title of a Sex and the City episode, NO JUDGEMENT, GOD.) In a relationship (or a "thing", or a friendship, or whatever), is it necessary to play games? Or do the complexities of getting to know another person cause problem enough that playing games only makes things more difficult? Right now, I'm going with the latter. Schedules rarely align, so why make it seem like you're more busy than you actually are? To seem more desirable? That's just stupid.

In the same vein of thought, I think that if you want to text someone you should do it. Shut off the nagging little voice in your head that worries about the text they never responded to and go for it. Give 'em hell, kid.

Big Love.

I like you so much my stomach hurts thinking about you.

I can't honestly say that I'm really listening when you're talking- there's something about your eyes that makes it impossible for me to look away and I sit there, absorbed while you talk about this or that, things I'm actually really interested in and if it was anyone else but you, this wouldn't happen.

But it's you, and it's me. And I don't know how you feel about me, because I often say ridiculous things and then you laugh and look at me out of your crinkled up eyes. But I want you to know that I am an intelligent person, and I will not stand for any of this heart aflutter, head over heels bullshit crap.

oh hey there college application I have conveniently put off until 8 hours before the due date!

Uhp- now seven hours.

Kool.

Why do I always do this? It's like I have an inkling of what I want to do but keep up with the back and forth until it's decision time. Now I'm cracking down with only one way to go from here.

What I really want to do is go to pilates, write a decent blog entry instead of this shmutz and put up all the fine art (re: Warhol prints and shirtless posters of Jim Morrison) I've been collecting on my walls.

No, no, no- thinking like that won't help me. Why, YES, I would love to answer your thought-provoking essay question. It's actually really cool, and thought-provoking, so I'm going to give it a go.

Yay.

Back to the Future.

Heyyy there blogspot! Remember me? I went back through some posts I'd written a while ago but was too afraid of posting and published them so the whole wide web can see. I was hoping someone would see them and find pleasure in my pain.

Anyyway. Not too much on the boy front lately. There's this one guy I'm so crazy madly in love with that it feels like I'm in an 80's movie... of course he doesn't know how I feel! How else would I make Jake Ryan comparisons?

I'm pretty much done with college applications so expect loads of updates on my musings. Cool.

Happy holidays!

hrrm.

Guy I had a brief fling with this summer goes on year-long tour of Europe with friend, one month in and he has a relationship.

Guy I hooked up with a month ago ("you don't make out with someone you hate") hooks up with other chick, she goes to Japan, now she has a boyfriend, but he still wants to hook up with her.

I've given up on trying to decipher modern relationships. I doubt I will ever really learn anything on the field of romance in my lifetime. But in the meanwhiles...

Guy (#3). There is a spark. I fidget when I talk to him. My stomach hurts just thinking about him. We trade stupid insults. But (and it's a big one) he has a girlfriend.

-Pause for dramatic effect. Long sighhhhhh-

Fuckshittitsfuckandfuck. Why is he flirting with me if he has a girlfriend? And it's not like he's an idiot, a douche, a prick, a mofo. He's a great guy.

So what is this nonsense?