Big Love.

I like you so much my stomach hurts thinking about you.

I can't honestly say that I'm really listening when you're talking- there's something about your eyes that makes it impossible for me to look away and I sit there, absorbed while you talk about this or that, things I'm actually really interested in and if it was anyone else but you, this wouldn't happen.

But it's you, and it's me. And I don't know how you feel about me, because I often say ridiculous things and then you laugh and look at me out of your crinkled up eyes. But I want you to know that I am an intelligent person, and I will not stand for any of this heart aflutter, head over heels bullshit crap.

oh hey there college application I have conveniently put off until 8 hours before the due date!

Uhp- now seven hours.

Kool.

Why do I always do this? It's like I have an inkling of what I want to do but keep up with the back and forth until it's decision time. Now I'm cracking down with only one way to go from here.

What I really want to do is go to pilates, write a decent blog entry instead of this shmutz and put up all the fine art (re: Warhol prints and shirtless posters of Jim Morrison) I've been collecting on my walls.

No, no, no- thinking like that won't help me. Why, YES, I would love to answer your thought-provoking essay question. It's actually really cool, and thought-provoking, so I'm going to give it a go.

Yay.

Back to the Future.

Heyyy there blogspot! Remember me? I went back through some posts I'd written a while ago but was too afraid of posting and published them so the whole wide web can see. I was hoping someone would see them and find pleasure in my pain.

Anyyway. Not too much on the boy front lately. There's this one guy I'm so crazy madly in love with that it feels like I'm in an 80's movie... of course he doesn't know how I feel! How else would I make Jake Ryan comparisons?

I'm pretty much done with college applications so expect loads of updates on my musings. Cool.

Happy holidays!

hrrm.

Guy I had a brief fling with this summer goes on year-long tour of Europe with friend, one month in and he has a relationship.

Guy I hooked up with a month ago ("you don't make out with someone you hate") hooks up with other chick, she goes to Japan, now she has a boyfriend, but he still wants to hook up with her.

I've given up on trying to decipher modern relationships. I doubt I will ever really learn anything on the field of romance in my lifetime. But in the meanwhiles...

Guy (#3). There is a spark. I fidget when I talk to him. My stomach hurts just thinking about him. We trade stupid insults. But (and it's a big one) he has a girlfriend.

-Pause for dramatic effect. Long sighhhhhh-

Fuckshittitsfuckandfuck. Why is he flirting with me if he has a girlfriend? And it's not like he's an idiot, a douche, a prick, a mofo. He's a great guy.

So what is this nonsense?

From the Vault, #2 - Hooking Up With Friends.

Alright now...we've all done it.

And if we haven't, we certainly know it exists. (500) Days of Summer is the perfect example- they hold hands, they have sex, and yet they can't take the leap that defines them as boyfriend and girlfriend.

So... I did it. I've done it. Twice, actually. Technicalities and complications keep me from dating these people-I mean, do I actually want to date them? Each time, though, I've been plagued with insecurities the week after. Will he tell anyone? What will people think? Was it really as awkward as I thought it was when I fell off the couch? And so forth.

This time was a little different than the last. This time, it was obvious that he wanted to. It was the second time I'd been over at his house and the second time he'd hinted that I stay after everyone else left. Part of me wanted to- he's just so good-looking- and another part of me, the part of me that does what my parents tell me to, knew I had a curfew. This time I compromised my curfew in favor of making out on the couch. It was a little awkward- no, I will not blow you- but enjoyable at the same time. I wanted to, he wanted to- him a little more so than me, but that happens.

It's the afterward that makes everything difficult, and oh-so-confusing. We've clarified that it just happened, and I know for a fact that he doesn't want a girlfriend. But I don't know how I feel about hooking up with someone I see almost every day. I don't know if this is going to be a recurring thing, and if it is, can it be possible that it's ever consensual?

From the Vault, #1

...and I feel lost. Confused, like I've lost my center. The past (Four? Six? How long has it been now?) weeks have gone by in a blur and while I love it, I think I need a break. I've begun to stop berating myself for losing focus in class, and I'll go as far as to say that I simply don't care much for grades anymore. I've analyzed literary works for so long- can't I be done now? I'd rather discuss the merits of living alone in the wilderness with Jon, Collin, Natalie and Mikayla. Why can't I get points for enjoying intellectual conversation?

Fuck.

I've slipped back into the hole I find myself in from time to time. What starts off as innocent flirtationship starts to feel real and all of the sudden I'm walking on eggshells. Did he get that joke? Why didn't he respond to my text? It's all fuckin' baloney and I'm engaging in the same thoughts I tell others to avoid.

Wasted space.

A college rep dood from Yale is visiting tonight and I just can't bring myself to care.

Why?

Haven't I been telling everyone that Yale is where I want to go? What happened to the feeling I got once I set foot on campus?

Fuuuuckkk.

Do I not want to go to Yale anymore? Or have I just seen so many college presentations that one more would make me blind myself with the pencil I'm using to take notes?

Why do I say the things I say?

That old familiar feeling's crept up on me again, like I haven't found my space. Where's my "group"? Sometimes I think I'm better off without one but I just can't shake this feeling.

Donnnn'ttt you want somebody to love?

Realizations, parte uno.

It's Senior Year, and I'm having all of the stereotypical "I DONT GIVE A FUCK" realizations. These people I see everyday? I probably won't see them again after this year. In fact, I've only known them a year. Last year was spent trying to hide all of my weirdness, the awkward qualities I've always hated.

This year's only just started and I'm already embracing my freaky side. Por ejemplo: crab walking through the hallways. Why? Because I can. And yesterday's audition may or may not have been maimed due to the fact that Andrew and I had been rehearsing the scene (NEW CHOICE!) as stoners a beautiful five minutes before we were about to go on. Now I'm in the one act, a fact I had looked down upon up until ten minutes ago when I realized HOW FUCKING COOL the one act is. And Pat is directing it (PAT PAT PAT PATPATPATPAT!!!!). Win.

Uhh, that's all. Oh, and highschool relationships are bullshit. Sorry to anyone who has them, but to me they have no meaning. They are stupid, and time spent worrying over them is stupid. Which only makes it all the more funny to me when people complain about their love lives. Or when I complain about my love life. Hah! What love life? Exactly.

Chris and Gabe talk about my non-relationship with Ben Phillips (we make awkward eye contact in the hallways), and in return I teach them East Coast slang I make up off the top of my head. When I get home from whatever extracurricular I have chosen to participate in for the day I sit down and play "Life on Mars" on the piano for half an hour. I make airplane noises while walking to AP Lit; I glare at my unusually cheerful Psych teacher.

Life is good.