From the Vault, #1

...and I feel lost. Confused, like I've lost my center. The past (Four? Six? How long has it been now?) weeks have gone by in a blur and while I love it, I think I need a break. I've begun to stop berating myself for losing focus in class, and I'll go as far as to say that I simply don't care much for grades anymore. I've analyzed literary works for so long- can't I be done now? I'd rather discuss the merits of living alone in the wilderness with Jon, Collin, Natalie and Mikayla. Why can't I get points for enjoying intellectual conversation?

Fuck.

I've slipped back into the hole I find myself in from time to time. What starts off as innocent flirtationship starts to feel real and all of the sudden I'm walking on eggshells. Did he get that joke? Why didn't he respond to my text? It's all fuckin' baloney and I'm engaging in the same thoughts I tell others to avoid.

Wasted space.

A college rep dood from Yale is visiting tonight and I just can't bring myself to care.

Why?

Haven't I been telling everyone that Yale is where I want to go? What happened to the feeling I got once I set foot on campus?

Fuuuuckkk.

Do I not want to go to Yale anymore? Or have I just seen so many college presentations that one more would make me blind myself with the pencil I'm using to take notes?

Why do I say the things I say?

That old familiar feeling's crept up on me again, like I haven't found my space. Where's my "group"? Sometimes I think I'm better off without one but I just can't shake this feeling.

Donnnn'ttt you want somebody to love?