LISTEN UP: HOOK-UP* ETIQUETTE.

The following is a comprehensive list from the lovely ladies S, H and T, and from the males A, E and K.

For boys::

1. If you want to make out with her, tell her. Don't pull any of that "lets get to know each other in the bedroom with the lights off" crap. DON'T BE A SKEEZ. I'm serious about this one: chances are if you want her, she probably does too. Which leads me to number 2...

2. Be upfront about what you want.

3. Don't lie and say you like her!

4. If you want her number, ask for it! She doesn't care if you only met fifteen minutes ago! A connection is a connection!

5. Don't make her feel like a slut.

6. Be funny. And I mean always, but especially with hookups, and extra especially if you twos just met. It's gonna be awkward, so don't take it too seriously and just crack a joke!

7. Follow the bases. Can a baseball player get to home without passing first? No. You shouldn't be able to get inside her vajayjay until you've frenched.

8. Be a gentleman, always. Just because it's a hookup doesn't mean it has to be sloppy. Have the decency to give her a kiss or hug goodbye.

9. ABSOLUTELY NO SITUATIONS AND NO "PRETTY PLEASEEEE BLOW ME". Cum on dudes!

For girls::

1. Just cause you wanna get sexy with that cute guitar player from that band doesn't make you a slut.

2. Make the signs blatantly obvious that you want him.

3. Touch his junk without him having to ask you to.

4. Take the initiative. If you want him to do something, tell him. Better yet, show him.

5. Cuddle afterwards.

*Hook-up: anything physical that occurs when the two participating parties are not in a relationship. Not strictly limited to sex.

yours in makeouts and confusion,

C

Naivety Pt. 1

(Note: If I was being truly honest, this blog would be entited Naivety, Pt. Five Thousand and Sixty-Nine. The following events have actually happened. In fact, they just happened. Please excuse any confusion.)

I did it.

We saw a movie, we had awkward chit chat, we had good chit chat, he suggested we smoke some weed, I politely declined, we ate gelato, we had more awkward chit chat, some more good chit chat, he drove me home, I decided to kiss him...

and this is where things get confusing.

Although he was not the one to initiate said kiss, I pulled away not once, but twice (three times?) in order to go inside.

Simply stated- I was not feeling it.

There were no butterflies. And you, my beautiful readers, should know that I never settle for anything less than butterflies. But if I legitimately thought I might like him and have been observing his obvious cuteness for the past five months, then why didn't I feel butterflies?

Are butterflies created when we need to feel loved? Or are they a cosmic miracle?

I'm going to strike that first idea down- I wanted to feel something with said dude but I didn't. A cosmic miracle, however, is a definite possibility.

Once upon a time I met a boy- a boy who was NOTHING like my type. In fact, he was more akin to self-proclaimed "man-guido of the house" Mike "the Situation" than any Urban Outfitters hottie and his overgrown mandolin. This dude was king of protein shakes and weight lifting and had failed Algebra II. When introduced, I felt nothing except for the excitement of meeting yet another semi-cute new boy. Due to chance (and by now I am positively certain that this was all some sort of sick lab experiment) we started talking at around eleven. We kept talking until eight in the morning, when it was DEFINITELY time to go home. Over the course of a month the inevitable happened- I realized he was a giant douche (hence the Ed Hardy/Jersey Shore reference.) To this day I have no idea what happened on that night to make us connect in such an unlikely way. I attribute it to cosmic insignificance.

But what if butterflies are our body's way of telling us when we truly feel something with another human being?

A friend, W, legitimately liked a boy. She did what any other teenage girl would do- she hooked up with him. When it happened, she felt nothing- no butterflies, no spark, nothing, zip, nada. W felt completely detached. Afterward she consoled in a friend... one thing led to another and they ended up hooking up.

There were butterflies when she didn't even consider him butterfly-worthy.

I've come to a couple of conclusions with these shared experiences. First, that there are two types of connections- physical and metaphysical. Second, that you need both to have a successful sexytime love connection.

And with that I say adieu.

Peace, love, and butterflies,

C

Did you really just-? Oh wow, you did.

Since when has it become okay to tell a girl you're taking them to see a movie before a certain time because "it's cheaper"?

These are modern times, baby! Consider any notion of chivalry that still existed thus departed.

Still, I'll be a good little girl and see how it goes... after all, this is the boy who greeted me with "Hey sexy I want you now."

Cross your fingers that tomorrow night won't end in complete disaster.

-C

Encouraging storm-cloud behavior.

Am I a depression supplement? Not an antidote, but a supplement?

Do I encourage bad thoughts and behaviors?

Even though I complain like it's second-nature, I consider myself a bright and cheery person. I smile so much I have headaches by the end of the day and laugh so much I question my own sanity. I try, honestly try not to exclude people and I give help whenever it's asked of me.

And yet, one of the most important people to me is horribly disappointed with everything and there's nothing I can do to help. I used to be able to cheer her up by doing things I wasn't even aware of, and now I am thousands of miles away, and I can no longer help. It's getting tiring to hear of her angst when I have so much of my own: I know I've been in this new place for about six months now, but that doesn't mean that it's stopped biting.

We're all doing the best with what we have. But what if that isn't enough?