From the Vault, #2 - Hooking Up With Friends.

Alright now...we've all done it.

And if we haven't, we certainly know it exists. (500) Days of Summer is the perfect example- they hold hands, they have sex, and yet they can't take the leap that defines them as boyfriend and girlfriend.

So... I did it. I've done it. Twice, actually. Technicalities and complications keep me from dating these people-I mean, do I actually want to date them? Each time, though, I've been plagued with insecurities the week after. Will he tell anyone? What will people think? Was it really as awkward as I thought it was when I fell off the couch? And so forth.

This time was a little different than the last. This time, it was obvious that he wanted to. It was the second time I'd been over at his house and the second time he'd hinted that I stay after everyone else left. Part of me wanted to- he's just so good-looking- and another part of me, the part of me that does what my parents tell me to, knew I had a curfew. This time I compromised my curfew in favor of making out on the couch. It was a little awkward- no, I will not blow you- but enjoyable at the same time. I wanted to, he wanted to- him a little more so than me, but that happens.

It's the afterward that makes everything difficult, and oh-so-confusing. We've clarified that it just happened, and I know for a fact that he doesn't want a girlfriend. But I don't know how I feel about hooking up with someone I see almost every day. I don't know if this is going to be a recurring thing, and if it is, can it be possible that it's ever consensual?

From the Vault, #1

...and I feel lost. Confused, like I've lost my center. The past (Four? Six? How long has it been now?) weeks have gone by in a blur and while I love it, I think I need a break. I've begun to stop berating myself for losing focus in class, and I'll go as far as to say that I simply don't care much for grades anymore. I've analyzed literary works for so long- can't I be done now? I'd rather discuss the merits of living alone in the wilderness with Jon, Collin, Natalie and Mikayla. Why can't I get points for enjoying intellectual conversation?

Fuck.

I've slipped back into the hole I find myself in from time to time. What starts off as innocent flirtationship starts to feel real and all of the sudden I'm walking on eggshells. Did he get that joke? Why didn't he respond to my text? It's all fuckin' baloney and I'm engaging in the same thoughts I tell others to avoid.

Wasted space.

A college rep dood from Yale is visiting tonight and I just can't bring myself to care.

Why?

Haven't I been telling everyone that Yale is where I want to go? What happened to the feeling I got once I set foot on campus?

Fuuuuckkk.

Do I not want to go to Yale anymore? Or have I just seen so many college presentations that one more would make me blind myself with the pencil I'm using to take notes?

Why do I say the things I say?

That old familiar feeling's crept up on me again, like I haven't found my space. Where's my "group"? Sometimes I think I'm better off without one but I just can't shake this feeling.

Donnnn'ttt you want somebody to love?